In the course of my perimenopausal years, I navigated worsening migraines (medication and hydration helped), erratic and heavy periods (just got on with it with the aid of pain relief and industrial-strength period products and dark clothing because, well, at that point I didn’t know what else to do), along with brain fog (concerning), anxiety (awful) and a loss of self-confidence (definitely not ideal, especially in my job). Then, just as my periods ended (aged 51) and I thought I’d escaped, the hot flushes and night sweats started. 

Going through all this at work felt rather lonely. I wasn’t sure who to ask for help. Menopause education and support provision in my workplace was at that time patchy at best (suffice to say, that is no longer the case now!). When I was invited to give a talk about menopause at a university event in late 2018, I was struck by how many of the audience came up afterwards expressing the same feelings about not really feeling supported through perimenopause in the workplace. I decided to take action. I knew from some research I had conducted around that time how empowering supportive peer communities can be for those going through personal and health issues. It struck me I could create something similar on campus. In early 2019 I posted in the all staff newsletter about setting up a menopause network. So many women turned up to my initial meeting that they were unable to fit in the room I’d booked! The appetite was definitely there. And so our wonderful network was born.

During the five years that I ran the network, with admin input from my university’s HR and wellbeing teams, our membership grew to over 200, and it became the largest network on campus, meeting regularly for supportive conversations alongside a schedule of expert talks on relevant topics (such as exercise, bone health, diet, mindset). We met in person before Covid, and moved online thereafter. Setting up and running the menopause network was without doubt a highlight of my time at the university. If you’d like to see testimonials from members about my work in this network, and feedback from associated talks and awareness training sessions I delivered during this period, please click here.

By the time I set the network up, I was becoming better informed, keen to advocate for myself and others, and to explore different options. I had started to rely on more reputable sources than clickbait tabloid headlines for my menopause education. I was by this time teaching my students about women, ageing and menopause as well as supervising a PhD student interested in how women navigate the ageing process. As a result I had immersed myself in the rather more reliable research literature. Thank goodness!

What I learned

Because I was simultaneously studying ageing and menopause, I started to make some - to me - important connections. Psychological research is clear: the predominant narrative towards ageing is very negative (especially for women). Society delights in telling us that we need to “apply anti-ageing creams”, to “fight the battle against ageing”. Ageing is often portrayed as a process of decline, through language, media, and healthcare that emphasises our loss of beauty, ability, or relevance. From "anti-ageing" products to ageist workplace assumptions, these narratives overlook the strengths that come with age, like wisdom, emotional depth, and renewed purpose.

Ironically, this decline narrative is really unhelpful. There is mounting evidence (explored in books such as Bolder by Carl Honoré, Breaking the Age Code by Becca Levy and The Happiness Curve by Jonathan Rauch) that there are many upsides to growing older. Having a positive attitude towards growing older adds on average 7.5 years to our lifespan. Of course, there are some downsides. In the words of gerontologist Kerry Burnight: “Anyone who says ‘age is just a number’ has not reached the high numbers. Ageing is not easy, and ‘forever young’ is not a plan. Regardless of how many burpees you can do or protein smoothies you chug, the passing of time brings challenges. Roles that you relished change, words on menus seem to shrink, necks sag, diagnoses arise.” We need to be realistic about growing older, for sure, but the received wisdom that inevitable decline is to be expected as you age is somewhat overstated. Because once we shift our mindset, we can take steps to help us thrive alongside the challenges ageing brings.

I wondered if I should start applying this thinking to menopause, too. Some research suggests that if we go into perimenopause thinking it will be OK, it generally is. Conversely, if we go into it with a more negative mindset, we generally fare worse in terms of symptoms. That sounded a lot like the ageing literature. But it wasn’t going to be easy, and maybe it was too late for me. Looking around me, I didn’t see much that was positive about menopause in terms of how it was portrayed in the media. Just as ageing is portrayed as a period of hideous decline, I read that menopause was akin to a disease, a hormonal deficit, something to be cured. I’d internalised these beliefs over many years, and undoing all of that social conditioning seemed like a huge challenge. How on earth could I make a silk purse out of that menopausal sow’s ear?

Well, never mind the decline narrative, I decided to try. For me, that translated into a shift in my mindset. I adopted a sense of agency about it all. Seeing I have some choices in terms of how I age and go through menopause made me feel positively involved in the process. Kind of wish I’d worked this out sooner but… it is what it is. That’s why I’m doing what I do now. I’m on a mission to educate and empower us about menopause. Yes it can be tricky at times, but you absolutely have choices and the way you view it can make a world of difference to how you experience it.

So, how did that impact me?

Well, whether it’s because of ageing or menopause, I realised it made sense to invest in my current and future health more generally because I want to enjoy this phase of my life, and I hope, many years beyond. 

I scrutinised my lifestyle, read the research and made changes. My diet improved. I embraced regular exercise, too - especially the kind that has been shown to help us as we grow older, such as resistance training and aerobic exercise. If my body was to keep pace with my pro-age/pro-menopause stance, I realised it needed serious work. So I hit the gym. I initially found it a scary place. Whereas others were effortlessly crunching, squatting and lunging, I was groaning, creaking and occasionally falling over. The first class I tried - spinning - I hated and was about to give up on the spot. But through a process of trial and error I eventually found the classes and approaches I enjoyed. I stuck at it, added in regular walking and I’m fitter now than I was in my 20s. 

Exercise seemed to have many positive benefits beyond simply being able to climb a flight of stairs without feeling like I was about to keel over. It turns out that exercise is a multifaceted ally during menopause: research shows that it can protect and enhance the brain, improving executive function (that’s the set of mental skills that help you plan, focus, remember instructions, and manage everyday tasks and decisions). It can also lift our mood, improve sleep, safeguard bone and heart health, and support wellbeing. In a nutshell, it really is the magic bullet in our “Thriving as we age and go through menopause” armoury. It also seemed to help my hot flushes, to an extent. But not entirely.

I decided to take a holistic approach to managing my hot flushes and night sweats. Cutting back on caffeine, alcohol, and sugar definitely helped because I started to notice how these could sometimes trigger what my family used to call my “warm moments”. I also found real value in cognitive behavioural techniques. Professor Myra Hunter’s book Managing Hot Flushes and Night Sweats was a turning point. It helped me realise how much my anxiety during a flush was amplifying the discomfort. Once I changed how I responded, the flushes became far more manageable. They were less intense, shorter, and less panic-inducing, even in meetings and lectures. They just didn’t bother me anywhere near as much, and that felt great. I took an 8 week mindfulness course around this time and that also helped (not only with my hot flushes, but also more generally, in terms of my mood and psychological resilience).

That said, the night sweats were a different story. Even with all the CBT and mindfulness tools to successfully reduce the ‘bother’ element I was still waking up at night and struggling to get back to sleep, something I’ve always found hard (having kids certainly reminded me of that!). I was exhausted and needed additional help. At that point, I decided to try HRT* because it is shown to help with hot flushes and night sweats. It wasn’t perfect initially (there were some unpleasant side effects and dose tweaks along the way), but because my night sweats were managed, I woke up far less, so it made a real difference to my sleep quality and duration. For me, it was one helpful part of a wider toolkit, because there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to menopause, and it’s about finding what works for you.

Fast forward to now

Several years on, I would say I’m feeling stronger mentally and physically. I’ve also adopted other lifestyle changes that may support me as I’m growing older, like remaining socially engaged and challenging my brain which may help other aspects (including my brain health, mood, and even my physical wellbeing). I’ve learned to sweat the small stuff less, to speak up more and generally accept less bullshit. I genuinely think it gets easier as we age for many of us as we realise we do have a voice and are less afraid of using it to call out nonsense. I’ve rediscovered my courage and self confidence and am embracing new challenges which a few years ago I would have shied away from. 

I see this post menopausal phase as full of opportunity, a time for a midlife reboot. This outlook is in sharp contrast to when I was going through the early stages of perimenopause and being drip-fed tales of inevitable loss of, well, pretty much everything I’d loved and valued my entire life. Things like: “It’s all downhill from here" or “I’m no longer attractive or desirable” or “I’ve become invisible”, or “It’s just something you have to put up with”. For a spell back then, I felt the future looked a bit hopeless. I’ve learned there’s so much we can do to thrive as we age and go through menopause.

So that is my story, and it has shaped who I am and the coaching service I offer. I’m now several years post menopause. I didn’t exactly sail through the process, but I educated myself and learned how to thrive and advocate for myself. I’m now 59, and it’s about 15 years since I first started experiencing perimenopausal symptoms and getting scared senseless by the Google hits I found when searching for advice.

I think a lot has changed and mostly for the better. The conversation is now more open, we are encouraged to advocate for what we need to support us through this transition. Google searches now reveal more in the way of helpful advice and resources than scaremongering stories. Of course, those 34 symptoms are still one of the first hits. Symptom checklists encourage us to see patterns and blame menopause for everything (remember the negative narrative?) and can lead us to neglect to spot and treat symptoms that may have other causes (my own experience with hypothyroidism is an example of this - in my mid forties, I erroneously put my low mood and weight gain down to perimenopause until a blood test revealed otherwise). We are led to believe any and all symptoms are linked to menopause when we hit that age bracket, but it is really more complex than that. There is a lot of scaremongering and spurious claims are made on social media that entice us into believing (and buying!) stuff that doesn’t always stand up to scientific scrutiny. The disease model of menopause is a predominant narrative, although this is not a view shared by all (see also the work of Menoclarity).

HRT is now back on the table as a treatment option, and more recent research suggests that it can be an effective and safe option, especially for treating vaso-motor symptoms (hot flushes and night sweats) and genito-urinary issues. However, HRT isn’t something all of us want or are able to take and a one-size-fits-all approach may not work here. For example, HRT may not be appropriate for those with a history of hormone sensitive cancers (e.g., breast cancer) or other health conditions, some may find the side effects of HRT intolerable, age can be a factor in whether it is prescribed, different types can be tolerated less well, and some may not want to use HRT because they prefer non-hormonal approaches. It’s not for everyone, although the prevailing narrative often implies that it is. More recently, there are newer non-hormone based drugs becoming available that may help with vaso-motor symptoms too.

The way I work with you

So, for these reasons, I believe in exploring all options with you. Not because something needs “fixing,” but because there are so many supportive, empowering ways to approach this transition. That’s why in coaching, I work with you to explore what feels right for you. First of all we need to work out together what is going on for you and understand why. Only then can we move on to work out how best to move to a position of thriving during this phase. Lifestyle changes can and do help many of us, but how effective they are may depend upon a number of factors, such as what type of symptoms you are experiencing and how severe they are. So, they may be one part of a larger toolkit. Whether you're exploring lifestyle changes like exercise and nutrition, psychological therapy to manage specific symptoms, and/or considering medical options in consultation with your doctor, all are valid and valuable approaches. Nothing is off the table.

I don’t make false promises or offer quick fixes or one-size-fits-all solutions. I have a PhD in psychology with expertise in the psychology of women, ageing and menopause. I am not a medical doctor and neither am I a psychotherapist, a sports psychologist or a nutrition expert. I stay in my lane in terms of my focus and expertise and will always signpost you to alternative sources for aspects that are outside of my remit (such as medical advice of any kind, including different types of hormone treatment; psychological therapy; specialist nutritional or exercise advice). But I am here to help you look at the bigger picture - first how to better understand what is going on for you, always using research evidence, and then to explore growing older and going through menopause through the lens of solutions and possibilities, rather than impediments.

My clients who work with me report feeling more empowered and in control of their menopausal experience, and are reassured that there are very many ways to tackle the challenges they encounter in a more positive way than current negative narratives suggest. If this appeals to you, then hit that call button and let’s chat.

*I have used the term HRT (hormone replacement therapy) here as that’s the term many of us (especially if we are based in the UK) are most familiar with. It’s worth mentioning, though, that an alternative term is increasingly used - menopause hormone therapy, or MHT. For more on why this is, please see here.